Hard of hearing
"When I retired I had time to spare, things to do, what was out there?
I have an allotment that was good, it gives me exercise and food.
But it wasn't enough to fill the space, created by this dreaded rat race.
Then I came upon a card, Ring the bowls club, that wasn't hard.
I spoke to Geoff, he said OK come and see me on Tuesday.
Three Bowls he gave to me, how I tried. Unfortunately they all went wide.
I was surprised when he said hooray, you can start today!
The game was fun, the people too. I am no longer looking for things to do."
written by: Brian Lacy
During a competitive 'fours' match, the number 3 called out to the skip "How short am I", the skip replied "You're a foot in front!", "No need to be rude" said the number 3, "I only asked for some information"
William Shakespeare walked into the Dog & Duck in Stratford-upon-Avon and requested a pint of ale, the landlord ordered Will to leave the pub saying "You can't come in here, you're barred."
The club secretary was visiting a fellow bowler in a brand new hospital, and asked about the place and things in general.
"The nurses are very good and so is the treatment" came the reply, "But the food gets a bit boring."
"What do you mean boring", asked the secretary ?
"Well we get "Haggis" for breakfast, "Haggis"for our lunch and then "Haggis"again for supper".
"Well what do you expect", says the secretary!
"THIS IS THE BURNS UNIT!"
Words of Wisdom
Up and down, walking walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking;
Shifting mats - keeping score,
thirty ends, maybe more;
Aching back - tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he's the marker!
Advice - "If your Skip wants an opinion, he'll give it to you".
Definition of a Novice is a new convert to bowls who confesses he knows nothing about the game and then becomes angry when you agree with him.
Lead: "How much am I short?"
Skip: "You ought to know, you're closer to it"
A Monks Life
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry neighbour, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now sending you a text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly. He returned to the den where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-
Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typing error on my last text, I expect you worked it out. Anyway, I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ to ‘Wife’. Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards Alan.
How to tell the sex of a fly
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yes, three males and two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone".
Lewisham Police Raid
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use & that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman because she won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne!"
Lewisham Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi - automatic rifles
with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, two tons of heroin, £25 million in forged notes and a ring of 25 prostitutes on a housing estate behind Lewisham Public Library.
Lewisham folks were totally stunned.
A community leader said "We is well shocked. We never knew we had a library in Lewisham".
The Bowlers' own language - how to translate
Q: If there's a referee in football and an umpire in cricket, what is there in bowls?
I took up playing bowls but soon gave it up. Couldn't believe how much bias there was to the game.
More one Liners
The Sport of Bowls has its very own language which can totally mystify anyone who hears it, but hasn't had the pleasure of throwing a bowl in fun or earnest. For the information of the uninitiated, here are a few terms translated into standard English.
"Good weight!" = lousy line
"Good line" = lousy weight
"Good back bowl" = you were lucky you didn't put it in the ditch
"That's in their way" = that's in my way
"That could be useful up there" = that bowl is closer to you than it is to the jack
"Get it next time" = you sure didn't get it this time
"He's surprisingly good" = you're surprised he ever makes a shot
"I'd bowl with him any day" = he always buys the first round
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Oxfam shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, . . . they've lost the plot!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow that," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
If you can always roll the jack, right at your skipper's feet,
If you can always draw the shot, the one that must be beat.
When asked to play a 'yard on' do you judge it to perfection?
And when you're called to drive, can you always make correction?
If you can come up smiling when the other bloke,
Puts your good shot out of play and treats it as a joke.
If you're the one who saves the day, I'll say to you my son,
"You're a bloody hero, what's more the only one!"
One of the old stories that is still funny today supposedly happened in the Club a few Years ago. A well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.
At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. "Where's our nearest bowl?".
"In yer ******* hand!", answered the skip.
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English.
Four bowlers were out on the Green practicing.
As one of them was about to bowl, they saw a funeral precession go by.
Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, one of the others said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."
And the bowler answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"
Little Black Book
1. One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila...... Floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
3. If man evolved from monkies and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. I went to a book shop and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, that would defeat the purpose.
5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
8. Would a fly without wings be a walk?
9. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
10. Why do they put braille on drive through bank machines?
11. Why do shops have signs 'Guide Dogs Only'? The dogs can't read and their owners are blind.
12. What was the best thing before sliced bread??
13. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
15. How is it possible to have a civil war?
16. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
17. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
18. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
19. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have an 'S' in it?
20. Why are hemorroids caled "Hemorroids" instead of "Assteroids"?
21. Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
22. If you spin an oriental man three times, does he become disoriented?
23. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
The club's top bowler, a guy who had won every club championship numerous times, was known for carrying a little black book which regularly consulted during games. Whenever he stood on the mat, with a particularly difficult situation, he would take out this little book and then make a brilliant shot. Eventually he died and there was great interest in this book. many of the club's members approached the man's widow asking what she was planning to do with this legendary book. As a shrewd woman who was also in need of funds, she decided to auction the book off to the highest bidder. The auction was held at the club and after some very spirited bidding a member, who had often finished second to the now deceased champion, took possession of the much sought after and now quite expensive book. He could scarcely wait to take the book home and puruse its pages at leisure. He sat himself down in his study and began to leaf through the pages - and he found that the pages were blank! He finally came to a single page that had one sentence on it. It said;
"Small circle on the inside."
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased
husband is published. The editor informs her that there is a charge of £1 per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then says "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died' ".
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Fred Brown died: bowls equipment for sale.' ''
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again'
"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually
stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he
would have wanted."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and
for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and
thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, Im going
to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
Guy goes into the doctors. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'Don't you start.'
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on
the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
A native approached the cannibals meat shop, where the special of the day was 'Bowlers Brains'.
These were priced from £1, £2, £3 and £10. The price difference puzzled the customer and so it was
pointed out that, brains at £1 belonged to bowlers who had been leads, the £2 ones to those who had
been seconds and the £3 ones to those who had been thirds.
Of course the brains marked at £10 belonged to the bowlers who had been skips. When questioned
about the unexpectedly high price put on skips brains the Shopkeeper explained, 'Well, they're
really very rare, you wouldn't believe how many skips we have to kill before we find one with a set'.
Pat requested his Church to check if they played bowls in Heaven.
After a week the Priest approached Pat with the answer.
He said, "I have good news and bad news".
Pat said, "Tell me the good news first".
The Priest said, "The good news is that they do play bowls in Heaven".
"What's the bad news ?", said Pat.
The Priest said, "Well Pat, the word is out that your name is down for the pairs next Saturday".
The Wailing Wall
On their honeymoon a husband confesses a secret to his new wife. "Darling, I'm a bowls fanatic,"
he says. "You'll never see me at the weekends and all our holidays will be at bowls tournaments."
"I've got a confession too," replies his new wife. "I'm a hooker." "That's ok," replies the husband.
"Just concentrate on your aiming point and take a bit more green."
They beat their breasts and cried out loud,
As they faced the northern wall,
Where'd been placed the team selections,
On the notice board was their call.
There were some that swore and some that cried,
And some who stood and muttered,
Some were proud, some showed joy,
And others merely stuttered.
There were voices raised in anger,
Shrill screams split the air,
There were those who didn't say a thing,
Because they really didn't care.
"I won't play with him", one said,
"He's a bloody hopeless skip".
Another said "I'm down as three,
how can I measure with my hip".
There were many self selections,
There were lots of "bloody hells!"
But there weren't very many,
who said the Selectors had done well.
Old George Jones of bowling fame
Was always quoting the “Laws of the Game”
But one day he failed me an answer to give
And I’ll never forget it as long as I live
An old jersey cow strolled onto the green
And dropped the biggest dollop I’ve ever seen
It was only a metre away from the jack
His bowl got stuck in it and he wanted it back
I said “You can’t have it, don’t be a fool …
If you touch that bowl you’ll be breaking a rule”
So he rushed to his bag and took out his book
Turned over the pages and had a good look
Then he said “There’s nothing in here to say,
that I can’t get my bowl and continue to play”
I said “Now listen George, and don’t cause a commotion,
Rule 37 says … you can’t interfere with a bowl that’s in motion”
The Magic of Bifocal Glasses
My husband took up bowling
and he bragged upon the phone
about some dame called Kitty
whom he couldn't leave alone
He played with Kitty
he stayed with Kitty
he picked her up without a hitch
He missed Kitty
he kissed Kitty
he even layed beside her in the ditch
So I took up bowling
to win my hubby back
and found that what he could do with Kitty,
I could do with Jack
Half Hour Late
An old man called Barry, who practices Bowls with his pals each week, had just purchased a new pair of glasses.
On the first end, he draws four touching bowls. His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd ends he repeats this amazing feat.
"Hey Barry", one friend asks. "What's your secret? You've never bowled so well."
"Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small jack and a big jack. I aim for the large one and the rest is history."
A few ends later, Barry needs to relieve himself so off to the toilets he goes. When he returns, his trousers are drenched.
"What happened Barry?"
Barry, in a confused voice, replies "I reached in and looked down. I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
Ah, I Remember It Well!
A couple of weeks ago, I practiced bowling with a new member.
We had fun during the practice, so I asked him if he wanted to practice next week.
He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."
The following week he shows up right on on time, and we practiced, this time he plays left- handed.
I asked him if he wanted to practice again next week.
He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."
I then asked him : "How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed."
He said : "When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed."
I then ask : "So,what if she is laying flat on her back?"
"That's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied.
A Terrible Overture.....
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that whilst they're physically okay, they might want to start writing things down to help them to remember things.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
"I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down!"
Irritated, he replies, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
How Was Your Game Dear?
Historical evidence has been found indicating that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately, the league records were not amongst the find.
Historical experts now believe that we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
"How was your bowling game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was bowling well but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the bowl went."
"But you're seventy-five years old Jack" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even bowl anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your bowl," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack bowled with Scott looking on. Jack bowled to a long jack.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yes," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering up the green.